At the very beginning? Maybe they noticed. Maybe not. But as time passed…

"- What happens with Megane-kun??"

Akagi and Ayako turn around and looked at him, curious.

"- Why are you looking at me like that?!? I'm not silly and I know that…."
"- We're not saying you're wrong, but it's strange you notice someone else than you…
"- What do you mean Ayako??? Tensai always knows when something's wrong with his friends!!!
"- Yeah, but I asked him, and he said all was all right…"
"- Don't worry Ayako, Tensai…"
"- Take care of your own business and go back to training!!!" cut off Akagi.

*****

After training, Kogure did just as he did all days: take a shower, put his training's clothes in his bag, walked out of the gym and walked home, slowly…

The others proposed him to go with them to have a coffee before going home, but he said no.
When they asked him why, he said he had some homework to do.
And when someone asked what was on his mind he said he was just a little bit tired, "because of the training and our cruel captain" he added with a fake smile and a little laugh.

When he got home, he just went upstairs in his room.
It was now the only place in the world he felt safe in.
He closed the door behind him, let his sport bag fell on the floor and laid down on his bed.
He stayed here, without a move, without a sound. Then, he didn't know why, he closed his eyes. Images, sounds, smells, laugh, smile, came to his mind. When he opened his eyes again, they were filled with tears.

He cried. Without a word, without a sound, he cried. As he did practically every days since he had realised, he cried.
He didn't allow himself to cry in the day nor in front of someone. It was hard sometimes, but he had no choice. If someone saw him cried like that, as if it was a normal thing to do, with no expression on his face, they would have ask. And he didn't want to talk about it…He was so ashamed….
So he cried. With the tears, a little part of his sadness and his pain went away…but they will be back in place in the morning.
He was crying, but it was not a relief.
Let the tears run down his cheeks was just a way to express what he hide all the day.
That feeling was not sadness, even if he was unhappy. It was not pain, even if he was suffering. He didn't know how to express it. The only concrete thing he knew about it were the tears. So if all he could do was crying, that didn't matter, he cried.

Finally, he fell asleep. But the sleep was not a relief either, because of the dreams. All the things he craved for, but that would never happened…
That was probably the worse of all…

*****

Morning.
Today was a special: they had a match. It was against Sumino and it would be great if they won!!

His alarm clock woke him up.
He sit on his bed, slowly chasing the sleep out of his brain. He had slept with his school uniform.

So, I fell asleep while I was crying…maybe it's better…

And yes, it was.
If he had woken up in the late afternoon, or in the evening at least, he would have tortured himself again and again.
But now, an other torture would begin.

As he walked to the school, which were their place of rendezvous, he tried to convince himself not to return his home, in his room, on his bed, and spent all the day crying.
But it was so tempting…His parents were not here: they went on a cruise for two months, and left their son alone.

No Kiminobu, it's not a solution!!! Crying won't solve the problem!!! And after all, you don't have to worry…he will play…he will be far from you…and you don't have to think about him, not now…and after all…he doesn't think…about…you…

At the thought, tears were ready to fall, but he didn't let them. He was just in front of the school, so he couldn't allow himself such a thing…not now…but this evening, in his room…on his bed…

He forced himself to smile. If he looked sad, the others will question him, and he didn't want to…

*****

They won the match. They were going higher and higher in the competition, that was good.
They had done a good job, and someone proposed to celebrate their victory; even captain Akagi was OK!!

He didn't notice who proposed to go to the karaoke, and he didn't care.
If they had asked him his opinion, "alone" would have been his response.

"- Hey Megane-kun, come with us!!
"- Yeah, continued Ryota, it'll be fun, and you look like you need to make up your mind!!!
"- Erm…n…no, thanks…Not sharing your joy…I…I'm just a little bit tired and…Not somewhere else…I'll just go home and have some sleep…Not with him…I'll be better tomorrow…"

He concluded with his most reassuring smile.
That seemed to work: they all looked displeased but they let him go.
Later, he was in his room, on his bed, all alone with his tears once again. That was all he wanted.

*****

Days passed.
He was more a shadow than a human being.
His life was reduced to few activities. School: go in class, listen to the teachers…it was hard to convince the others that he was fine, but he succeeded. Then practice. It was the worse of all. He had to hide his feelings from the others; he couldn't look at him even if he wanted to: he knew that if he did so, everybody would have seen his love for him in his eyes…Then in his room, crying. Tears for the sadness, the pain that were now a part of him. Tears for being in love with someone, cause he knew he would never have love in return. And after that, sleeping. Just to have dreams where he was happy with him…even if he knew perfectly that they will be just stupid dreams forever…
Every days passed like that, one after the other.

If okaasan was there, she would be worried…

But she wasn't…

He was paler every day. He really looked like a ghost.
His teammates, his classmates, his teachers worried about him. They all tried to know, but no one succeed

An other day had passed. He was the last one in the locker…or he thought so…

"- Erm…Kogure…

The voice surprised him, but he just startled. He didn't turn around to see who it was, cause he knew already…

"- What's wrong with you? I mean, something's bothering you and…

His voice was so soft. He was sure he could have listen to it for the rest of his life…

"- …even if you always deny it, it's obvious that there's something on your mind…"

His tone was soft and reassuring. If his problem wasn't link to him, Kogure was sure that he would have say it to Mitsui right now.
But he couldn't.
He stood up, took his bag and turn round, facing Mitsui.
Concerned and worry were clearly shown on his face.

He's so beautiful like that…
But he is worried…
Yes but…it's for me...

He made some steps to the door, and stopped in front of his teammate.

He is so closed…

He could have rest in head on Mitsui's chest with one more step.

…and yet so far…

Again, he felt his eyes burning, but he didn't let the tears fell.
He was about to leave, when a hand grabbed his wrist.

"- Kogure…maybe if you explain it to someone, you'll fell better…maybe I can understand…

It was enough. He couldn't stand it any longer. To be so closed to him without being allowed to take him in his arms was worse that being cut into little pieces.

"- I don't think you could…"

Without knowing where it came from, he felt anger all over his mind. Without looking at him, he began to tell it out loud…

"- Even if you want to, you can't. You're not the kind of person that can understand…
"- But…I…
"- I'm sure you wouldn't put your hands on me, or even talk to me…You would never look at me the same way, and you would certainly be disgusted by me!!!

Mitsui had never seen his friend like that: he was crying, but in the same time, he shook with anger, maybe hatred…

"- Why?!? Don't be ridiculous!!!

He had let go off his wrist.

"- Even if you had killed someone, you would still be my friend!!!!

He knew that "killing someone" was not a thing Kogure would do normally, but he acted so strange these days that it would have been a possibility…

"- I've done worse…
"- Wha…WHAT?!?!
"- I'm in love with someone.

He was still looking at the floor.
In his voice, no hate anymore. Just shame.
Mitsui sighed in relief.

"- Kogure, you've scared me to death!!"

He smiled happily.

"- So…who is the lucky one??
"- …"
"- So??"

Kogure just lift his head up. Tears had stopped.

"- I wonder what she's…"
"- You."

Mitsui was speechless.
Kogure stared at him with eyes full of sadness. Tears began to fall again.
Before Mitsui could have done anything, Kogure had run away as fast as he could.
He didn't run after him it was useless. He just stood here, his eyes closed.

*****

Kogure run as fast as he could.

How could I how could I how could I???? It's wrong…It's…it's…it's more than wrong…I'm in love with a guy…I'm in love with a friend…my best friend….I shouldn't, it's wrong…

Finally, he reached his home. He quickly opened the door, slammed it behind him, and went straight in his room. Again he slammed the door behind him and stood there.
He was breathless from his run.
He was a coward. He had escaped. He escaped cause he didn't want to see the contempt and maybe the disgust in Mitsui's look. He didn't want to face the inevitable thing he knew would happen: rejection.

Finally, he just let himself fall on his bed, and he curled up, still crying.

*****

Mitsui didn't know what to do.

It can't be….this hadn't just happen…I will open my eyes and I will be in my room, in my bed, cause it's just a dream, a very stupid dream…or a nightmare…or whatever it can be...

But when he did so….

Shit!!! What will I do now?!?

Finally, he had been able to move, and he was on his way home.

Kogure is my friend, but that's all…I care for him that's sure, but just as a friend, and not in the way he cares for me…

He reached his home, without notice.
He didn't know what was the most disturbing: that a guy loved him, or that Kogure loved him.

Yes, that's it!! Kogure Kiminobu is my best friend, nothing more!!!

But as he spoke those words mentally, he knew that something was wrong.

*****

Three days since the event.
It was worse every day, for both of them.
Kogure couldn't even look at Mitsui without thinking of what happened, and so did Mitsui, but not for the same reasons.

Kogure was more than ashamed, thinking of what he said. He wanted to hide from the rest of the world thinking about it. It was as if everyone knew what he had done, and murmured insults when they saw him.

Mitsui couldn't help but think again and again about that strange feeling. When he heard those words, he just stood here, speechless. He hadn't stopped him and now…he regretted. He had thought first that would have been useless, but now he knew he was wrong. He didn't know why, but he was sure that things wouldn't be as bad as they were if he had done something. But it was too late…

He was in his thoughts, so he didn't hear the steps behind him.

"- Mitsui…" He startled, and turned round to face Rukawa. "…do something about it."
"- What?! You know?!?"

He didn't want to say it, but he did.
He was a bit scared. For what?? Rukawa was as talkative as an gravestone!!

"- Yeah…I don't know what you'll tell him, but talk to him…it'll be better for everyone here."

At first, Mitsui was surprised, cause Rukawa was the last person he thought would tell him what to do. But now, he regain his self assurance. He turn round to look at a certain loud redhead.

"- I return you the advice."

With that, he went to the other side of the gym.

*****

He was nervous.
His hands shacked.
His palms were moist.

Mitsui went to see him during practice and asked him to stay and wait for him.
So here he was, waiting, nervous.

What does he want??
Why are you asking you stupid!!! You perfectly know what he wants!!
Yes that's right…and maybe…NO!!! No way!! No hope here…it hurts to much to hope…

He was still in his thoughts when Mitsui arrived.

"- Ano…Kogure…"

He startled. He was not sure of what to do.

"- I…

Lack of word.

"- I…I wanted to…

Lack of conviction.

"- I wanted to talk to you…

Lack of courage.

Mitsui stood here, like a status. He was ill at ease, that was obvious.

"- So?"

His voice surprised even himself. Cold, so cold. It sounded like Rukawa's.
Kogure smiled to himself: so much feeling in his heart, but nothing outside. As if he was detached from all of this…as if being here didn't mean anything to him.

"- So…I want to talk to you about…what…what happened…the other day…
"- Oh…I see…Gomen Mitsui…I know I shouldn't have said that but…I…I was distressed and…Say it!! I don't know why I've said that in fact…Make it easier for him…I think I just wanted to be alone…Help him to reject you and maybe…Sorry again Mitsui…That was all??"
"- Y…Yeah….yes that was just…"
"- So excuse me, but I have to go so…

He began to go….to escape…

…maybe the pain will be reduced.

"- Kogure!!"
"- Hai?"
"- Can you give me a favour…
"- Yes…"
"- I want you to say to this person…that she is the luckiest one in the world…"
"- The…."

But Mitsui was already out of the gym…

[Chapter 2]

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