It's cold.
All around me, it's cold.
No heat even a soft warmth somewhere.
I'm cold.
I think I always was. But not as cold as I am now. It feels strange…all
that ice that covers me…It seems that my own body, my own flesh,
turns into ice too…
I'm so cold…
I wonder how I can be alive with so much cold. Maybe it's the sleep…I
sleep in class, I sleep on my bike…Maybe that's why I can live
normally: while I sleep, I gather a little warmth that makes me live
some hours in the day….
Sleep. I love sleep.
While I sleep, I can't feel the cold running in my veins. But as I like
so much to sleep, why can't I sleep now??
No one can stand the cold that eats me, little by little. Even my parents
couldn't, that's why I live alone.
I constantly looked for some heat…at least just a little warmth
that makes the cold goes away…even if it's just for a while…But
I failed. Every time I find , I'm too eager, or to cold, I don't know
really, and all the sources of warmth run away from me. They feared
my rare touches, they feared my lack of touches, my lack of words. But
in the end, it's the same result anyway: I'm all alone with the cold.
Here I am.
Curled up on my bed, a single sheet around me, what do I try to do?
Create a soft heat and keep it inside of me?
I know I can't, but I keep trying, I don't know why, but I do.
Here I am.
A soul in a shell of ice. I think it's the best way to describe me.
Sometimes, I imagine that I'm an ice sculpture that can live and think
by itself…that would explain a lot of things…
Warmth. Just a little warmth.
I don't want love. I don't want friendship. I don't want them to know
that I exist. All I need is just this little thing everyone have inside…everyone
except me…
I'm cold…
If I looked for someone to help me, it would be worse…Who could
stand so much cold, except the ice itself? Nothing…No one…Not
him…
He curled up a little more on his bed
I wonder sometimes…I'm so cold that maybe if I cried, it wouldn't
be tears, but little pieces of ice that would fall…it would be
funny…And maybe if I die…I would just melt like snow in the
sun…
Finally he drift off into sleep
*********************
Next day at school
Tired. I'm so tired.
Tired from the lack of sleep last night, tired from thinking, tired
from living…
I barely sleep last night, as every night, cause I dreamt again, and
as every time, I woke up in the middle of the night, more cold and lonely
than ever…but I don't really care. I just wait for this desire
to go away and leave me.
The dreams.
Every night I dream. It would be normal if they weren't those kind of
dreams. Always the same: I'm surrounded by ice and cold, and here he
comes. He holds out his hand, and he embraces me with his warmth…But
it's just a dream.
I hate him.
I hate him cause he is everything I'm not.
Of course I'm the "super rookie"…but he is the warm one,
and I'm the cold one…
I can't understand him. I tried, really, but I can't. How can he be…what
he is? Always joyful and lively…Ah, I forgot, always the same:
he is the warm one of course…
For one day, just one day, I would like to be him…Just to know
how it feels to have warmth inside you, to have people around you, to
be the son of fire…
Fighting.
That's the only way I found to take a little of his fire. As soon as
his hands touch me, I can feel his warmth…
How many times I had seen those hands in my dreams…they were stroking
me softly, and with every caress, he gave me this heat I craved for…but
it was just dreams, as always…
I'm scared.
He's fire and I'm ice that's obvious. I'm scared of so much fire…I
know I shouldn't, but I am.
I'm afraid of what would happen if I let him surround me with his fire…I'm
scared to be burn…to be hurt…
Besides, why would he want me? Fire only need another source of warmth,
and not ice.
He doesn't know it yet but he had gain that already. And once again,
I failed.
At first, she was attracted by me, but as the others did before her,
she went away, little by little…Not that I complain, not at all…it's
just that that bitch pulls him away from me…
Not that he would have been my lover for sure…but at least, maybe
he could have been my friend…
Anyway, it's not time to think: practice will begin…and for probably
the first time in my life, I don't want to play…
"- Hi everyone…"
But no one answers cause it's Mitsui…He is…or he was, I don't
know really, the best friend of…of Kogure…
It's just now that I realise…To see Mitsui without Kogure around
feel strange…I think it's also why I don't feel as good as I felt
here before…
Now, Mitsui is ready for practice…but something has change, I
can…not see it, but it is obvious…It's been three weeks since
he had come here the last time…it was the day before Kogure's death…Mitsui's
not the same anymore…he reminds me of someone, but who?
I look at him, without hiding. All the team observe him as I do, but
they don't want to show it. They all want to know how he is now that
his best friend is dead, but it's as if they don't want him to know
that they are preoccupied about his state.
I've chosen the straight way, as always.
Who. He looks like someone I…
I laugh to myself. How can I be so stupid? I know the person he looks
like now, cause that person is me.
Now, Mitsui is as cold and introverted as I am…the cold is inside
him, too…but why…it doesn't really matter after all: now that
the cold had found him, it won't go away like that…
Besides, even if I asked….I know perfectly well he wouldn't answer...
*********************
Practice is over, finally.
It's the end of the day, and the cold begins to envelope me, once again.
I didn't take my bike this mourning, I didn't feel like, so I have to
walk this evening too…
"- You shouldn't stay like that you know…
I turn round slowly: Mitsui's following me. As if he doesn't exist,
I go…but I can perfectly hear his footsteps behind me…
"- Why do you torture yourself like that??
What the hell does that mean????
"- And don't tell me you don't understand what I'm talking about…
Shit!!!
I go on walking, silent as always; and he keeps following me. I knew
he was persistent but I didn't know he was that persistent.
"- Rukawa…
"- If you're talking about it like torture, I guess you perfectly
know how it feels…"
It's his turn to be silent. I guess he'd never imagine I could say
a sentence with so many words…
"- What do you want Mitsui?"
At this moment I'm sure ice's hotter than my voice.
"- Nothing special…just to tell you one thing: if you keeps
on glaring at him all the time like that, he may be naive, but he will
notice and of course, he will know.
"- That's all?"
"- That's all…"
And he's gone. Good: he won't bother me with useless things that are
none of his business.
*********************
Alone with my thoughts, again.
Alone with the cold, once again.
I'm in my room, curled up on my bed like every night.
Mitsui's words echo in my head…
I didn't even know myself I keep on looking at him all along practices,
even if I'm aware that his warmth attracts me…But now that I think
of it, he's right. I can't take my eyes off the do'aho…I can't
stop looking at the fire…I can't stop wanting the fire…
Mitsui's right, if I don't stop, he'll find out…and if he does…he'll
kill me that's quite sure…But I know I can't…I can't take
my eyes off him, cause all I want is his warmth…All I want is to
buried my head in the crook of his neck, to cuddle against him…I
want him to hug me and make the cold go away, all the nights…
But it's stupid I know it…cause I'm sure that when he'll know…
It hurts.
To think that all of it will be for her…
To think that all he will do, he'll do it for her…
To think that…he won't pay attention to me anymore…it's as
if he took my heart out of my chest with his bare hands…but even
then, he would touch me…
When he will have what he wanted for so long, I won't exist for him
anymore: he knows I exist cause he thinks I'm interested into her, cause
he sees me as his rival…
When he'll notice it, I will be the ice shadow that no one wants to
go near…that no one wants to know anything about…and the cold
will be able to eat me completely…and that scares me…
He curled up a little more on his bed, as if he wanted to disappear.
But I don't know why I torture myself with all that, cause I knew from
the beginning: anywhere, anytime, as I am the son of ice…there's
no warmth for me…
~* The end *~
