We fought again today.
Stronger than me. I didn't wanted to, really. But we just did.
Just have some bruises. He has too. Nothing serious. But I hurt him anyway.
I don't know why I do that. Hurt him I mean. I never want to, but I always do.
Everyone thinks I despise him, that I call him names cause I hate him. They couldn't be more away from the truth.
All this self-confidence…I find that funny. He doesn't seem to realise that he makes himself ridiculous. But he is cute when he does that. Yes, you heard me right, I think it's cute.
But that's not the point. I can't understand why I always hurt him like that. Cause I know I do, every time I call him do'aho. And every time we fought of course. But what I do to him with my fists can't hurt him as much as my words do. After all, he's more used to hands to hands fights. And I am too. But still. I don't like to fight with him. But it's stronger than me.
I like to be near him.

***************

We fought again today.
I don't know why. In fact I knew, but I don't want to remember. Probably nothing. Me playing the tensai once again, and him, hating it as always. But I can't help it.
I reacted the only way I know. I hurt him. I don't know how to hurt people with words, not like him. So I hurt him with my fists. That I know. A bit stupid probably. But that tensai attitude is just a role. Something to hide what I am. I know I'm not like him, I'll never be. I do my best, but even that is not enough. So I hurt him.
I don't like that. But I can't do anything else. I don't know many ways to make him remember me. Yes, you heard me right, I want him to remember I exist. I want to be present in the mind of someone like him.
But that's not the point. We fought again today. And I hurt him. Cause I know I did. I used my fists enough in the past to know when I hurt someone. I didn't want to, really. But I couldn't help myself. He looked at me…that way. I can't explain. It's just that his eyes are on me and… I don't know. As if those blue eyes tell me that I'll never be everything he is. I think he knows that. That's why he looked at me like that. But I don't want to hurt him. I hate that. But it's stronger than me.
I want to be like him.

***************

I saw him today.
I was practising in the park, he was with his friend.
We said nothing. No need to. I can read in his eyes. He hates me. I should have known better. But still. I like to be near him. But I can't doubt. Not after that look he gave me.
It hurts. But that's okay.
He just stopped on the pavement, and looked at me. I wanted to go near him. I'm drawn to him like I've never been to anyone. Not that it bothers me. A few things do in fact. But it's strange. I always liked to be alone. I don't cope with people very well. But I think I could cope with him. The problem is he wouldn't cope with me. I'm sure now. I can't doubt anymore after that look.
And it hurts.

***************

I saw him today.
I was with Yohei and he was practising in the park.
We said nothing. No need to. I saw in his eyes. He hates me. I think I knew somehow, but now I'm sure. No doubts anymore.
It hurts. But it's okay.
He just stopped his game on the court, and looked at me. I wanted to go and play with him. I want to be like him, I want to be his equal. I never wanted to be like someone before. It's strange. But it doesn't bother me. He is a great player after all. But I think I'm not the first one. Probably a lot of his previous teammates wanted the same thing. The problem is I don't think he would like the idea. I'm sure now. I can't doubt anymore after that look.
And it hurts.

***************

We fought today.
As always, I couldn't help myself. I hurt him again. But this time fists were not involved. Akagi stopped us before we could.
He was doing that tensai thing. I couldn't go near, I forced him to come: I said he was hopeless. He just said I was a baka kitsune, but we couldn't go any further. Because of Akagi. Not that I regret. But in a way it's not fair. Akagi didn't let him enough time to talk back.
You can tell he was furious. And I was too. Because of that stupid Gori, I couldn't be near him.
Everyone thought we were mad at each other. It's right for him, but wrong for me.
I just wanted to be close to him.

***************

We fought today.
I didn't hurt him today. Not that I didn't want to, even if I don't like it. It's just that Akagi didn't let me time to defend myself.
He said I was hopeless. Sometimes I'm tempted to think he is right, but still. He has no right to say that. I do my best, he should know that. Of course I'll never be like him. But that's not fair. I couldn't say anything back, stupid as I am. And before I could do anything else, Akagi came between us, and glared at me. I didn't try to do anything. Akagi was far too furious for that. And I was too. But he could have throw me out of the team.
Everyone thought we were mad at each other. It was right for him, but not for me.
I just wanted him to see me.

***************

A bad thing happened today.
I was on my way to take my bike and go home when she came. To talk to me. Really, who could have thought that that Akagi girl was able to talk, and to me of all people. Until now, I thought that blushing and giggling was all she was made for.
Anyway, here she was. She couldn't look at me in the eyes, but she talked. Don't ask me what about, I don't know. At first, I tried to listen, but soon, I fell asleep. Don't think she noticed. Not surprising. She's herself after all.
Finally she finished and I could go.
I hate her. Really I do. In the first place, it's her fault if we fight all the time. I don't think we would have been close friends. But we wouldn't fight like that. And then…she's her. I mean, that girl is stupid, period. Nothing less nothing more. She pretends she likes me, but in fact, she's just impressed. That's all.
I think she confuses me with her brother, but as I'm not him, she thinks she loves me. Or maybe it's the other way round. She likes me but thinks she loves me cause she loves her brother but wants to think she only likes him.
And she likes him too. Maybe she's in love with him too. And I don't like that. But that can't be. All this tensai thing makes her smile, but that's all. And maybe he really loves her, as he said once. He's blushing like mad every time she talks to him. And maybe they're going out together. And maybe they…
Oh. Think I'd better go to bed, 'have strange ideas tonight.

***************

A bad thing happened today.
I was on my way home when I saw them. She was talking to him. Haruko. Talking to him. I couldn't think it was possible. Every time she's near him, she becomes all red and she can't say a thing. I know, I've been like that too once, and with her. But it's finished now. I'm not that stupid. I quickly understood that she would never love me. Him, surely, me, never.
Anyway, she talked to him for a moment. He seemed to listen at first, but then at some point I think he fell asleep. It amazes me every time. He can sleep everywhere. I wonder how he does that. I don't think Haruko noticed. You can think it's stupid but…well, she's not that bad. She's nice, really. Let's say she's just…herself.
Finally she had finished, and before he could wake up, she was gone.
I don't like that. Maybe he wasn't asleep at all, and maybe he listened. I hope he didn't. I wonder what it would be like, him and Haruko together.
I don't like that. I don't want them to be together. I don't want him to think that he has once again something I don't. I don't want him to believe that I can't have something that is mine. He can't have Haruko. He can't be with her. I can't be left alone like that. Cause that's what will happen. When they will be together, he won't see me at all. He'll play only for her. At least now, he plays for himself. And this way, I'm sure he can see me a little. Cause I'm sure once she'll be his girlfriend, nothing else will be important for him. And maybe he won't play as well as he does now. And maybe he…
Oh. I think I should stop here and go to bed. Have strange ideas tonight.

***************

It was a strange day today.
We didn't fight. I can't believe that. We didn't fight today. Even when I say it out loud, I can't believe it.
We. Didn't. Fight. Today.
No need to try, I can't. It's just too…too…abnormal to believe.
He didn't do that tensai thing of his today. He didn't talk loud even just once. He just practise in his corner of the gym with Ayako, and nothing more. He even listened to everything she said. I can't believe it.
Only one solution. It was not him. Just a kind of copy. But not the real him, that's sure. Once, I wanted to go and provoke him, just to make him react. But of course I didn't.
It hurt somehow, to see him like that. He was so pale, opposed to the bright one he is normally. I don't understand why he was like that today. I hope he will be better tomorrow. It's strange in a way. I would never have thought his mood could affect me like that. But here it is.
And it hurts.

***************

It was a strange day today.
We didn't fight. It's hard to believe, even for me. Even if I know perfectly that it happened, I can't believe it.
We. Didn't. Fight. Today.
Of course I'm perfectly sure it happened. Cause I chose.
I stayed in the corner of the gym where I train everyday with Ayako. And I did my best to listen to her. I never said anything else than questions or replies to her questions.
I made up my mind this morning, thinking about yesterday evening. I don't know what he'll do with Haruko, but it's better that way. And even if he doesn't do anything, I have to get rid of this…obsession. Cause I think it is, come to that point.
Now when I enter the gym, my only goal is to be noticed by him. Just him. I don't care if Micchi or Gori or Ryota see me, I just want him to notice I'm here. And it's not right. I can't go on like that, cause I realised yesterday when I saw him with her that everything he does affect my existence. But it's a one way thing.
And it hurts.

***************

Time to go to practice.
I thought about it all day. I couldn't even sleep in class. I could only think about him. I hope he will be his normal self today. The quiet one of yesterday frightened me.
No. He was just…I don't know. But he wasn't himself that's sure.
I don't like it, when he is like that. It's the first time it happens, but I can say I hate it. Quiet like that, he reminds me of myself. It's better for him to be loud and joyful. It's better when he smiles. It's better cause…I like to see him smile. He is cute when he does. I just saw his real smile once. And he didn't know I was there. I swear I could kill just to see his smile again.
But it's not the point.
I don't know what I'll do if he is the same today.
It won't be long till I know, I am in the locker now.

***************

Time to go to practice.
I didn't change my mind. I thought about it all day, and I didn't change my mind. I'll just go on like this. It's better for everyone. No more noises. No more loud talks. No more fights.
Akagi will probably be happy about that.
But that's not the point.
I wonder how he will react. He probably won't. No matter what I'll do, it will never be the right thing to be a little closer to him. I should have known.
Anyway, here are the locker.
Oh. Practically everyone is here. That's good. And…he is too.
Better not to say anything. Just sit on the bench, take your clothes in your bag, change. Nothing. Not even a word. I know they're looking at me, I can feel there eyes on me. But I don't care. I know he's looking at me too. Probably waiting for me to pick up a fight.
No need to worry about that, I won't. Not anymore.

***************

It's been nearly a week.
I did my best. I swear I did my best. But I can't deny it anymore.
He wasn't there when I entered the locker the other day. He arrived some minutes later. And he didn't do anything. He just didn't. He didn't even say hello like he always did.
He just sat on the bench, took his clothes in his bag and changed.
I couldn't believe it. No one in the locker could that is. Everyone looked at him. I did too. I fixed him as obviously as I could, just to unnerve him.
It didn't work. I was furious. But I'm not anymore.
I'm craving now. It's not want anymore, it's need. I crave him. I crave his presence near me. It's stronger than me. If it goes on, I'm sure I'll be mad before another week passes.
What did I do??? I mean, I didn't do anything unusual, so why did he change??
I crave him. I need him. I already know why but I don't want to know, it's safer. I'll answer that kind of questions later.
At the moment, the only important thing is that I need him. Bad.

***************

It's been nearly a week.
I did my best. I swear I did my best. But I can't deny it anymore.
I'm craving. I said it was an obsession, but it's worse. I crave his presence near me. I crave this sensation when he is close to me. It's stronger than me. More than once I was about to talk loud or play the tensai role, just to have him come to me, notice me and…and…even…touch me… I'm not a masochist, not at all!!!! It's just that…I like to feel his hands on me…
At first, I thought it would be easy. But it's not, far from it.
On the other hand, everyone else seem to be quite okay with this new situation. So I go on. But it's hard. Really. I'm drawn to him like I've never been to anyone before. And it scares me.
I don't know what I am supposed to do. I can't talk about it to Yohei, he would make fun of me. In fact, I can't talk to anyone. So I don't say anything. Better to keep it to myself. And even if I already know the answers, I'll see the questions later.
At the moment, the only important thing is that I want him. Bad.

***************

End of training.
It's harder and harder everyday. I can't be near him anymore, and I know it won't be long now. It's just a question of days. Days till I loose it completely and tell him everything. Well, not really tell him. Just show him. Once or twice it was close. But I didn't do anything. I…
Oh. Here he is. But it's okay as long as…Wait. Where is everybody????

***************

End of training.
It's harder and harder everyday. I can't feel him near me anymore, and it won't be long. Sooner or later, I'll tell him everything. I swear I will. I think I would even beg him just to notice me if it could help. But I'm not sure it would.
Anyway, time to go back to the locker now. I could be tempted to tell him everything. But it's okay as long as…Wait. Where is everybody????
Okay. Breath, stay calm, don't show anything and everything will be alright…as long as he stops staring at me like that!!
I'll just do as if he wasn't in the room. Everything will be alright I won't tell anything I…
Too late. Why in hell did I look at him in the first place??

***************

I can't move.
When he entered he avoided me. It was what it looked like that is.
I couldn't help myself. I just devour him with my eyes. One thing that is stronger than I am lately. I can't look anywhere else. Once my eyes are on him, I can't concentrate on anything else than him. Every time, he looks somewhere else, or just does as if I wasn't there. But now he can't. He can't pretend not to know that I watch him while he talks with somebody. I wonder what he'll…
Those eyes. I swear I could loose myself in those eyes. It may sound cliché, but it's true. So many expressions in them. Now that I think about it, it's the very first time he looks at me in the eyes more than one minute without wanting to kill me.
But even then, now that I can look in them, I wouldn't do anything to defend myself.

***************

I can't move.
I'm trapped in those deep blue eyes. Cliché I know, but it's what I feel right now. And it's dangerous. Very dangerous. Cause if I don't do something quickly, I'll tell him everything. Don't ask me what "everything" is exactly, I don't know, but I'll tell him if I don't react.
The problem is, I don't want to. It's the first time. It never happened before. Every time he looked at me before, his eyes were so cold. But they're not right now. There's something in them…something…

"- I…

No. I can't. I just can't.

"- …what do you want, baka kitsune???

Here it is. Why would it change anyway? Violence is the only thing between us, even if I don't want to.
And it hurts.

***************

I can't look away. And he can't either. I'm sure of it.
I know I have to look away before I do something we will both regret. But I can't. I just can't.

"- I…

Yes?? You…??? Tell me…please, for once, just tell me…

"- …what do you want, baka kitsune???

No. I can't.
I get up quickly ready to...
Here it is. Why would it change anyway? Violence is the only thing between us, even if I don't want to.
And it hurts.

**************

I can't look at him anymore. And he can't either. I'm sure of it.
He gets up and…I close my eyes. For once, I won't be the first one to hit. And for once, I won't strike back. I was the first to attack him, he had the right to "even the score" if I may say so.
So I just wait, eyes shut.
But nothing comes. No, a hand comes and it…strokes?
I should open my eyes again to know what's going on, who's making fun of me. But it's so good. This hand is gentle. It caresses my cheek softly, and I can't resist the temptation. I let myself go into the sensations. It's been so long. Almost ten days now since these hands were on me. And even then, they were far from gentle and soft.
I know I shouldn't, but still.
I let out the breath I was holding, but now it's just a sigh of pure contentment.

***************

I stop my hand at the last minute. For once, I want something else.
The minute I got up, he had closed his eyes. Probably waiting for the first blow. But it won't come, not this time.
He always was the first one to strike. It won't change. He didn't hit me, so I won't do anything to hurt him. But no one said anything about touching him. Just a little. Just a slight touch. Nothing more.
Slowly I put my hand on his cheek. Nothing more, as I said. But then I can't help myself, and I stroke the soft skin with my thumb. It's been almost ten days since I last put my hands on him. And it feels so good. Cause I know I'm not hurting him.
He doesn't pull my hand away. He sights…of contentment I hope. Yes it can only be that. Or else…or else he would have push me away now.
I know I should stop that. But I can't. It's too good to be true. I don't want to take the risk to suddenly wake up alone in my bed.
Only one way to be sure then…

***************

I know I shouldn't stay like that, eyes closed before him. But I can't do anything else.
Maybe I'm just sleeping in class, and all this isn't happening.
Well, now if it's a dream he should ki…
A dream can't possibly feel that real.

***************

His lips are so soft. As soft I thought they would be.
But I can't taste them for too long. I just touch them lightly and I slowly pull away. But nothing or no one could force me to remove my hand from where it is.
He had opened his eyes. Of course.
Now it won't be long. If I was wrong then…

***************

His lips are soft, it's the least you can say.
But he pulls away. It was so good but so short.
I want to taste those lips some more. I don't think it will bother him…
But once again I can't, stupid as I am. I just look at him, and I can't even say something.
But what could I say?? What could I…
Wait. Where is his hand going??

***************

I'm not really surprised.
He didn't kill me, but he doesn't do anything to…well, it's okay I think.
I tried and I've lost. It's like that.
Now I think there's no use for my hand to be still on…
Wait. His hand stops mine.
Well…maybe just once again. Just once…
This time his lips are on mine. It's even better than the first time, some minutes ago.

***************

Yes. I'm sure. It feels far more than good.
Well, and it's even better now that tongues are involved.
I craved for only his hands on me, and now I have more.
And now it feels good to be hold like that. I think I could stay like that for…well, not in the middle of the locker of course. Even if we're not doing anything…suspect, Akagi would kill us both if he found us.
I think we'll have to go…later…

**************

We fought this morning.
Yes, we fought this morning.
He wanted to go to school.
He wanted to stay in bed.
I wanted to cuddle all day…
I wanted to go to practice!!
You defeated me.
I won.
I'll have my revenge in the locker this afternoon…
You'll have to catch me first…

~* The end *~

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