I'm mad at you.
Really, I mean it.
I thought you were a man that keeps his promises, but obviously…Oh,
you may think that I'm a little cruel with you, but it's the truth. Plain,
and without anything hidden.
Well…ok, I admit. I failed you from time to time. But I am not you.
I can hear you from here: "Even if you're not me, that doesn't mean
that you don't have to keep your words!!"
And that's right. But I've never made a promise like this one. And that's
precisely why I'm angry...or just sad? I'm not so sure anymore.
Now that I think about it, it would almost make me laugh. If I had to
promise you something…well…It would be the contrary…and
I'm not sure I would be able to keep it, either. But it's not the same
thing. Cause mine would have been less important than yours.
I'm not putting all the blame on you, not at all. But still. I'm mad at
you for what you've done.
Anyway, complaining about the past isn't of any help to deal with the
future.
Oh shit. I think it's serious: I begin to stole your expressions. Who
knows? Maybe I need glasses without even knowing it. But one thing is
sure: no way in hell I'm wearing one of those Armani suits. Nothing
against suits but…well…they're just…suits.
Don't think I forgot. I'm still mad. And who wouldn't be?
I didn't think you would do something like that. At least…not
now. I mean…It's been some time and I thought that…what was
going on between us…meant something for you…I hoped that after
all this time…after all this time it would be more for you than
just a way for sexual contentment and stress release…it seems that
I hoped too much. Well, here you can't say that I lie or that I put
on an act: I've always been a fool when the topic was related to you…some
things never change…
But I don't teach you anything, do I? Nothing ever changes with you.
A man of habit to say the least. I asked you once if all that routine
never drove mad. To be honest, I didn't expect an answer. Or only one
along the line of "Mind your own business" and nothing more.
But you surprised me.
I didn't expect anything cause it was a personal related topic and…even
if I was naked in your bed when I asked you that, I wasn't allowed to
call you by your name.
At this time, "Brad" was allowed only when you touched me,
period. It was just sex and nothing more. Even for me I think…But
now that I think about it…I'm not so sure anymore.
Anyway, when I asked you, at first you didn't say anything. Now, I'm
pretty sure that you were debating with yourself to know if you should
tell me or not. But finally you made up your mind.
All the routine helps you, cause it's a kind of…"basis"
for you and your powers. The more stable is your life, the clearer is
your future, cause with a regular pattern, it's easier for you to see
what would be unusual, or what could disturb your plans.
At first, the concept was a little bit strange to me.
When you saw I didn't understand it fully, you explained again.
And when I still missed little bits after that, then you explained a
third time…Well, not that I am stupid but…at this time, I
wasn't used to your power and its mechanism, cause after all, precognition
and telepathy are all but similar…
We had been teamed up only eight or nine months before, but we didn't
have had any real missions that would need our abilities, just few ones
to test our loyalty. Plus, each time I understood a thing, I couldn't
help but find another question to ask.
Finally, we spent half of the night chatting. Or, to be exact, with
me asking questions and you answering.
It had been one of the rare moments we had for ourselves. And that's
why I'm mad at you.
I didn't ask anything. I stayed on my own, behind you, pretending that
I wouldn't care a bit about you if something happened to you. At least
no more for you than any other teammate.
Oh, wait, that's not true. I asked one thing: sleeping in you bed.
At first, you hesitated, you didn't want to. But finally, after making
me wait for days, you agreed. I didn't ask what made you changed your
mind: I was too happy thinking that I would be able to be near you every
night.
It had been my only request in years. That's why I'm mad at you.
I thought what I asked for wasn't a big thing. All right, it had never
been in one of your schedule, I admit. But I hoped that maybe…
I wouldn't have asked anything else. I would have even let you sleep
alone and go back to my bed after that.
Obviously I asked too much.
Work took what was supposed to be mine once again. That's why I'm mad
at you.
Letting your damn paper work wouldn't have killed you. And no one would
have died because of it either. But you seemed to think other way.
I could have asked for something impossible like…I don't know…Holidays???
But I didn't and that's why I'm mad at you.
For once, I was reasonable when I asked you. I had thought about it
quite a time before asking you, to be sure that I didn't asked for too
much. And I didn't.
One day. It was just one day.
Beginning in the evening, ending at the exact hour it had begun the
day after.
I didn't even asked for the rest of the second evening. Just twenty-four
hours in your life, that's what I asked for.
I didn't plan anything.
We would have done exactly what you would have like to do.
If you had liked to just sit down and just read your newspaper all night,
then I would have spent the entire evening watching you , until I couldn't
keep my eyes open.
If you had chosen not to speak to me for those twenty four hours cause
I deprived you of your work, then I would have spent twenty four hours
watching you in silence.
And if you had been mad at me cause I had been so stubborn to have those
hours, then I would have just spent the entire day locked in my room,
just feeling your presence near me.
I didn't even asked you to touched me. Just being in your bed, having
you near me, was enough.
But I wonder what make me think I could have all that. I should have
known better. If you had showed me anything more than you usually did,
then it would have been just another of those dreams.
The beginning was perfect yet.
We had the apartment for ourselves, as Nagi and Farfarello weren't there.
We had diner at home, just the two of us. We exchanged some few words
now and then, but most of the time, we were silent. But I don't care.
It was fine with me. It was good just to be with you.
Then we spent some time in the living room.
While you watched TV, you let me curled up against you. You even hold
me when I began to fall asleep, bathing in your warmth.
Then we went to bed.
After those first hours, I didn't want to spoil everything with a wrong
gesture or a wrong word, that's why I followed you. I just followed
you.
As we entered your room, I could only looked at my feet. I was afraid
to look at you, afraid of what I would see in your eyes. I was afraid
to read something like "Don't bother to ask for it, I'm used to
what you want". So I just kept my eyes on the floor.
What I wanted above all was to be with you. And it was wonderful.
You just hold me. You kept me close to you all night, and I was bathing
in all that was you.
But I'm mad at you.
Mad cause when I woke up, you weren't there anymore.
I was there alone in that bed that is not the same without your warmth.
I couldn't stand it any longer, so I woke up. I dressed and just waited.
All day. I waited for you to come back, just to have a few more hours.
I wouldn't have asked you for another day. I just wanted a few hours.
Just some time to spent with you, in an other way than work, sex or
argument.
I just wanted to have an illusion.
Just the illusion for one day that we were like everyone else, that
we were a couple, spending time together.
Maybe it was too much to ask.
Maybe the illusion I asked for, as short as it would have been, was
too much for you to give.
Maybe keeping that simple promise was harder for you than killing.
Maybe that's why you went out somewhere that day.
Even so, you promised and…Here is the result.
Anyway, I think I have to see the positive side of all that: now at
least, you won't push me away when I'll come to you…
He then slowly put the red roses he was holding at his feet, it was
time to go.
But before that…He took one last look at the grave…
~* The end *~
